Where I am at now

OK so I was diagnosed with leukemia,ALL about 1 year ago,along with that came 2 brain tumors.After numerous chemo and radiation treatments and some surgery I had 1 cancer free month. Now I have a metastasized brain cancer called astrocytoma,  and it has brought my leukemia back thanks to the radiation treatment that I have had to endure.Astrocytoma at a stage 3 is not good, the stats say 18 months to 5 years max. I have 10 lovely star shaped tumors in my brain. The problem with this shape is the points of the star grow into your tissue. This a cancer that can become begnin but will never leave. I have had by the grace of God been placed with a wonderful oncology team that is very aggressive in treating me. This does not usually occur with this type of cancer.About a month ago I had radioactive seeds placed in 2 of the tumors because they had crossed the mid line of my brain.The main fear of this was the cancer cells getting into the cerebral fluid and traveling thru my nervous system. Near the end of my 30 day mark I was convinced that they were not going to separate,the seeds had almost disappeared. My mother went to a Novena one night,that is a catholic thing.She prayed to God and Mary to take care of me. the next morning while I was in the shower I had the worse pain in my life.It felt as though someone was breaking my skull apart, i was vomiting but nothing would come up.It was so violent for 15 minuted that felt like a hour or two that after I had a hard time breathing from the exertion of it all.Now as that this happened in the shower the cold and pain of throwing up had set off my neuropathy and Raynard's disease,so now not only did I have a whopper of a headache but all around body pain and numbness that kept me in bed for the rest of the day. The good news is the tumors did split. Just this past Thursdays I have had 24 seeds placed in 6 tumors, in hopes to create a kind of barrier from any new one ones from appearing as well as any of the old ones from growing. I have been a good patient this time and have spent the last 4 days in bed. This is very hard for me for 2 reasons, I am  a nurse and I am one of the worst patients I know. I also have a 41/2  yr old daughter who understands too much and is extremely special for wanting to help mommy feel better. She is a strong little girl who understands Mommy is sick and can not run and play outside with her.She knows mommy throws up a lot and has lost her hair/But it is all ok because she prays to God everyday that I get better so I can do these things with her instead of having to play in bed. Kids are wonderful things and she is my hope. I refuse to believe that stats because I will see her grow up. My husband refuses because he will not raise her without me, my mother refuses because i am to bury her she will not bury me. The rules of the house are simple, if I am tired I lay down, if I am cranky from the pain I go to my room. I get up and go to work everyday after treatment because I can and until I am not capable of being a nurse I will continue to go. I work for a wonderful doctor and company that has been extremely supportive and I have only been there for 90 days. The doctor I work with took me along from our last office. Sometimes I think he is crazy for wanting to bring on such a liability but wee make it work. As does my family and friends.My true family and friends do not treat me like I am dead, they laugh with me when my speech gets screwy or I walk in to walls and doors, they take my mood swings with a grain of salt and do everything they can to make me feel normal and not sick. They ask how my day is instead of how are feeling. They ask questions about my treatment but not with pity with genuine concern. The worse thing you can do to a cancer patient is make them feel like they have one foot in the grave and we don't feel that way at all. I do not know what the future holds, there are some treatment plans in place. I can say I am scared now because I have all the seeds in my head and if the tumors shrink that would be great but the pain that comes with is not. I can say I laugh every day mostly at myself.But I get up every morning and carry on as best I can with the pain of the day and side effects of brain tumors. I thank God for everyday I have and for the prayers and love and generosity I have been shown in world where I thought it was gone.The true nature of people comes out when all of a sudden you have a life altering event happen and i am blessed to have so many who care and support me. I am writing this blog because I need a outlet and I need feedback so I am hoping anyone who knows me will read this as I post the going ons and lend me there strength or take some of mine if they need it