Bad news

OK so I was having headaches over Christmas and doctors and I thought the seeds were actually working. But today during my scan, I found out that two more tumors have joined in my frontal lobe. Now because the gene therapy is so new for brain tumors the fear is if they inject it into the two that are joined there is the possibility that the gene DNA will cross to one tumor and overload it and leave the other one to do whatever it wants. They do not know if overloading one tumor will do. So I am back on chemo and radiation.That is right radiation with radioactive seeds still in place. I will have treatment every day this week except Friday. So I can look forward to fatigue, nausea,vomiting and pain. I really do not want to go through the pain of the tumors separating again. As my husband has said, a little pain to live longer not a bad trade. I am only afraid because you never know when they will split. Hopefully not while I am driving or out and about but actually around people who can help me.The bombardment of chemo and radiation is in hope that they will split before the gene therapy is ready. So with all this and my first treatment today I am tired,nauseated and frustrated. I have lost control of the Raynard's and am having problems keeping my feet warm enough not to trigger the neuropathy pain. So I am not having fun. I am not encouraged and I am scared of the pain,which is uncommon for me. I am so confident in everything else in my life but right now I am a little bummed and actually and having a normal reaction to this kind of cancer for the first time I was diagnosed.I am still going to hold onto my hope and that God has some kind of plan for me. I can't believe I am going through all this for nothing. I still am not going to believe in the time table.I think if I start thinking that way I will end up another static when I want to be the one who does not follow the rule. Really I have never really followed rules before,so why start now. So here is to a hard week ahead and hopefully a good light at the end of the tunnel. so if I don't post anymore this week you all will know why. I am probably asleep or hugging the porcelain god. Hell of a diet.  More to come.