CANCER SUCKS

OK I am extremely happy about the progress my team of doctors is making. I know there is going to be a big publish done on my medical findings and maybe I will write a book on the ups and downs, who knows. But damn, I know the pain is a good thing right now as is the worsening side effects. Then again I should have seen today coming.
Yesterday at work I felt a little off in the morning but it went away before the patients even started to come in. My balance was off and on all day but nothing out of the ordinary. So this morning when I had a hard time getting up and when I was finally able to pull my big butt out of bed i was kind of spacey, then before I made it from the bedroom to the kitchen I had to throw up, so down the hallway I went and barged in on whoever was in the shower and proceed to vomit phlegm and bile. Yeah one of my favorites. After that I tried to make it to my mother's room, but ended up on the floor because at that moment my body decided my legs should be numb and down I went. My mother had to help me into a chair as I hear my daughters voice behind me saying mommy why are you on the floor. Apparently I was looking for something. Found it just in time before she got down to help. Mom calls work. I do the best I can to stay seated and help Megan get ready for school and side step the questions of why I am not ready for work yet.
I get into bed and start the calls to the doctors. They do not know why my brain feels like it is either falling out the back of my head or out of my forehead depending on how I am holding my head. Maybe the tumors are separating more,maybe they are shrinking,or maybe they are joining. But with a white count still hanging out in the mid threes, they are hoping the extra stress of the pain will increase my count. So we are waiting again,with no answers.
I know working is helping me. I feel bad when I have to call in because I can not function. I know that everyone at work is aware of the situation and I am grateful they have let me work.I am thankful that most of these episodes have happened at home and not work.
I know I should be nothing but happy about the progress of my status, But I am tired of apologizing to work,my family,my daughter. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of my head constantly hurting, I am tired of bouncing off walls,of falling,of not talking right, thank you spell check or these blogs would make no sense. Is there a point when you just get too tired to fight. I want to get my next miracle if it is granted to me but God while you are at it, please give me some slack to stop feeling negative and so damn completely off balance.