CANCER SUCKS

OK I am extremely happy about the progress my team of doctors is making. I know there is going to be a big publish done on my medical findings and maybe I will write a book on the ups and downs, who knows. But damn, I know the pain is a good thing right now as is the worsening side effects. Then again I should have seen today coming.
Yesterday at work I felt a little off in the morning but it went away before the patients even started to come in. My balance was off and on all day but nothing out of the ordinary. So this morning when I had a hard time getting up and when I was finally able to pull my big butt out of bed i was kind of spacey, then before I made it from the bedroom to the kitchen I had to throw up, so down the hallway I went and barged in on whoever was in the shower and proceed to vomit phlegm and bile. Yeah one of my favorites. After that I tried to make it to my mother's room, but ended up on the floor because at that moment my body decided my legs should be numb and down I went. My mother had to help me into a chair as I hear my daughters voice behind me saying mommy why are you on the floor. Apparently I was looking for something. Found it just in time before she got down to help. Mom calls work. I do the best I can to stay seated and help Megan get ready for school and side step the questions of why I am not ready for work yet.
I get into bed and start the calls to the doctors. They do not know why my brain feels like it is either falling out the back of my head or out of my forehead depending on how I am holding my head. Maybe the tumors are separating more,maybe they are shrinking,or maybe they are joining. But with a white count still hanging out in the mid threes, they are hoping the extra stress of the pain will increase my count. So we are waiting again,with no answers.
I know working is helping me. I feel bad when I have to call in because I can not function. I know that everyone at work is aware of the situation and I am grateful they have let me work.I am thankful that most of these episodes have happened at home and not work.
I know I should be nothing but happy about the progress of my status, But I am tired of apologizing to work,my family,my daughter. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of my head constantly hurting, I am tired of bouncing off walls,of falling,of not talking right, thank you spell check or these blogs would make no sense. Is there a point when you just get too tired to fight. I want to get my next miracle if it is granted to me but God while you are at it, please give me some slack to stop feeling negative and so damn completely off balance.

GOOD NEWS

Finally after everything I have some AMAZING NEWS!!!!! After my scan to see how the gene therapy has been working the results are in!!!! SIX tumors have separated from the the tentacles that are feeding them!!!! They are not getting blood flow so they can not grow right now. They other 4 have not grown in size. My white blood cell count is 3.2 so they are waiting for it to  get to normal before they harvest again to  make my strain of gene therapy. the doctors are very happy, they were not expecting results like this and it all a little amazing for me. For right now, nothing changes we wait and see. I will still have all the side effects I am having now, headache,mobility and speech problems. This is because the tumors are still there. They are not growing and can't as long as there is no blood flow but the pressure is the same until they actually shrink. So we do not know what side effects i will be left with in the end. But bottom line is SIC tumors have separated!!!!!! The doctors are excited, they are ready to publish because these are results no one was expecting!!!!!!
More good news I got signed off to dive once again. With a few stipulations, take my blood pressure and pulse ox before I dive and be smart about the depth and the where. So next lab draw is next week and as soon as it is normal they will set me up to harvest and when the protein is ready they will inject it again into all the tumors in hope of separating the last 4 and shrinking the 6 that are already separated.
So keep sending all the prayers and good luck because I need them. I am finally looking at the other side of a tunnel. Not the end but at least I know there is another side.

So, I have had the one trip to the er for chest pain that I have everyday now. The headaches are getting worse. They feel like a hard spike being drove into my head at any number of different points, at a number of different times. Before holding pressure had helped but now if I press on one area another starts to hurt just as bad. Even the skin on my head is super sensitive and hurts sometimes just to rub my head. Next scan is not until the 8th. The general consensus is that the pain is because the main part of the tumors are being pulled off of the tentacle part. I am having some speech issues more than usual, my patience is non exsitent and wish I had a way to not speak at all so I would not accidentally hurt people but that is not to be. also by the end of the week I am stumbling and falling more. I have days when I can keep nothing down or I am starving and eat too much. Bone pain has picked up this past week and I am eager for my next scan and white count. I have to schedule a harvesting but we are trying to get my white count in better shape so the new strand of DNA will have less cancer cells and be more potent.I am happy that the therapy is working but the side effects are hard.There is a question of whether me working is helping stimulate my brain for better results or are the side effects too much and I need to stop. No one has a good answer for this. I will be happy if I can get rid of the headaches and joint pain. I know somethings are permit now like the Reynard's disease, neuropathy and a fib. I am hoping the side effects of the speech and mobility get better and the headaches at least go down a couple notches. So a lot to happen on the 8th.Harvesting is the easy part but the next procedure has me worried because at the very least if it works or even better the side effects will be worse and they are not that pleasant to begin with. Oh well. God never gives us more than we can handle  Right?????