CANCER SUCKS!!

OK, so here I go again. The bearer of 50/50 news. I am totally excited that 2 tumors and there tentacles that make them able to grow back are gone. Totally bummed I can not celebrate because I am just too dang tired! Got myself a brand new ICP catheter. Wish I could have a shunt placed but noooo I have to have 2 stupid kinds of cancer. One that makes it harder to treat the other. If the leukemia would behave and stop attacking things I could have the shunt and be done with the catheter but for fear of my body attacking it, that option is off the table because it would lead to more harm than good. I just really want the catheter out because it hurts, it is a pain in the but to take readings from and I feel like crap every time they have to adjust the pressure. But I am happy that I am still functioning, that I have not had a seizure problem yet (knock on wood). I am very grateful that Dr. Stoverink and Terry are allowing me the time off I need to get better. I am grateful that they are pushing me to take the time I seem to keep refusing. I guess I am worried that I am not stimulating my brain enough but also not resting enough either. I am having a hard time finding that balance. I guess I am getting to the point where I am getting mentally drained. I hate that cancer and the treatment have so much control over my life. I want to not have to worry about throwing up everything I eat, am I hydrated enough, what will chemo do to me today, what was it like to have hair,when will my daughter be able to really play with her mommy without someone having to say be careful not to hurt me,go outside without worrying about the side effects of the sun, walk without weaving, talk all day without worrying that I am not making sense. I don't take any day for granted knowing that it could be my last but sometimes it is hard to be positive and hard to be brave because being sick just plain old sucks!